Do We Grieve the Same?
Grief is an inevitable part of our lives and can be overwhelming when we experience it. So how can we cope with it?
We all have experienced, or will experience, some form of grief in our lifetime. It can manifest as the demise of someone dear, losing your job, the end of a relationship, or something abstract, such as giving up a long-term professional goal.
I had not understood the complexity of grief until I experienced it. My experience with grief taught me that there is no set blueprint for how an individual copes with grief as each of us has our way of proceeding with the loss we experience.
Yet there is more to grief than what meets the eye and this article presents some of the research I carried out over the past few months whilst navigating my own journey through grief. I hope, that by the end of this article, you have a better understanding of what grief is, its various types, how we process it and a basic idea of how we can take care of ourselves when we grieve.
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What Is Grief?
Grief is the anguish we experience after experiencing a significant loss in our lives. When we experience grief, we often find ourselves detached from our everyday lives, sometimes to the point of feeling numb, hindering our ability to carry on with our daily routine.
There are numerous symptoms of grief, including, but not limited to, physiological distress, disrupted sleep patterns, confusion, obsessive reminiscing of the past, and apprehension about what the future holds. At times, we can also experience grief through feelings of regret, remorse, or sorrow. While these are some common symptoms, grief can affect us all differently.
Yet with psychological theories, we can simplify the grieving process and also enhance our understanding of how we cope with loss. The 5 stages of grief are such an example, and we will closely examine what each stage entails in the next section.
What Are the Different Types of Grief?
Psychologists have identified different categories to describe these experiences. This section looks at the 6 different categories of grief.
1. 'Common' Grief
While there is no standardised definition for common grief, this type of grief explains how individuals may experience extreme physical, emotional, and behavioural reactions for a short period of time. Yet, at the same time, these individuals can carry on with their daily tasks.
2. Anticipatory Grief
As hinted in its name, this type of grief stems from the anticipation of a loss rather than its occurrence. Being diagnosed with a terminal illness or a friend announcing they are moving to a different country are some examples of anticipatory grief. While it does not fit the typical process of grieving and may not seem to be a real type of grief, individuals need to ensure that they acknowledge their experiences and feelings.
3. Complicated Grief
Complicated grief often occurs when the loss is sudden or traumatic; the resulting grief maintains its intensity and lasts for a prolonged period.
This can be further broken down into 3 categories namely chronic grief, absent grief and delayed grief.
a. Chronic Grief
While most individuals begin to feel better around 6 months after experiencing the loss, chronic grief is when individuals are still grieving with the same intensity after this time frame and find it hard to overcome it.
b. Absent Grief
This is when individuals express no outward signs of grief after their loss. This is a result of being in severe denial about the loss they have experienced or avoiding the intense responses that tend to arise after a loss.
c. Delayed Grief
Individuals tend to experience grief much later than expected. For example, an adult realising a repressed traumatic event from their childhood is a form of delayed grief. Commonly observed among individuals who have experienced a traumatic loss,
4. Distorted Grief
A type of grief with non-typical symptoms and is often perceived as more intense or unusual by other people. Anger and lashing out are some of the more common symptoms of distorted grief, and feelings of loss or sadness are minimal, if not absent.
5. Collective Grief
There are times when a group of individuals all tend to experience a loss. An example of this is the COVID-19 pandemic, where mortality rates exponentially increased across the world, bringing individuals together during a time of significant loss and uncertainty.
6. Disenfranchised Grief
Also known as hidden grief, this type of grief often carries a taboo around it and may not be expressed openly. A miscarriage, suicide, or accidental drug overdose may result in disenfranchised grief. Due to the prevalent stigma around these issues, people might consider openly grieving such a loss to be socially unacceptable. This consequently results in individuals adopting unhealthy coping behaviours.
Not only that, some may even consider their grief to be less valid. Yet we need to remember that a loss is a loss, regardless of its cause, and results in a tough phase for us to go through. Thus, it would be incorrect for us to evaluate whether a loss is acceptable or unacceptable. We can cope with these feelings, by not only validating them but also seeking support from relevant professionals.
What Are the Stages of Grief?
In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed the 5 stages of grief model. Although conceptualised to describe people with terminal illnesses, the model has been accepted to explain how we process grief in general. The model includes 5 stages namely denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Let us look in further detail at each stage of the model.
Denial
Initially, the experience of grief can be overwhelming. And a common response to such intense, and often sudden, feelings is to avoid acknowledging the loss and the resulting change. This is known as being in denial, a common coping mechanism in the face of experiencing grief. It helps reduce the intensity of our feelings whilst also giving us the time to cope and gradually come to terms with the news.
Anger
With the denial stage being considered a coping mechanism, feelings of anger can be considered to have a masking effect; they hide the true emotions we feel as a result of the grief we experience. Considered to be one of the initial emotions we experience pertaining to a significant loss, anger helps us express our feelings without being perceived as too vulnerable and avoid judgement or rejection from others.
Bargaining
Frequently associated with feelings of guilt, during this stage we may also focus on the regrets of what we have done or did not do regarding the events leading up to their loss. Thus, as a means of reducing or eliminating the pain, we might create many “what if” or “if only” statements. Another example is when we make ‘deals’ with the world or even a higher power (i.e., God) to obtain relief from the pain we experience.
Depression
In the context of grief, depression is not considered to be a sign of mental illness. This is when we start to accept the reality of the situation and the inevitability of our loss, subsequently leading us to feel extreme sadness and a sense of despair. Other feelings associated with this stage include, but are not limited to, being fatigued, feeling vulnerable, and experiencing diminished levels of hunger. While intense, all these feelings tend to be temporary and a direct result of our grieving process.
Acceptance
At this stage, we no longer resist the reality of the loss. While we may still grieve or harbour feelings of sadness or regret, we are more likely to have accepted it, becoming accustomed to what would be considered the new norm.
There is no specific time frame to go through each stage and are non-linear. There may often be times wherein we do not experience some of the stages at all! And while Kubler-Ross’ model outlines the process through which a person might grieve, we all experience it in our way.
How to Take Care of Yourself When Grieving?
Coping with grief is easier said than done. However, when grieving, we need to be mindful of our physical and mental well-being. Here are a few common tips that you can keep in mind.
Express Your Feelings
We often tend to avoid feelings that tend to make us uncomfortable or unhappy. Thus, we need to remember that grief can entail a lot of hurt and pain, which are all normal when going through the grieving process. Avoiding these feelings can adversely affect your physical and mental well-being by making you more susceptible to depression, anxiety or other physical health complications.
Spending some time alone can help you go through your emotions and even help release any pent-up feelings you have regarding your loss. This can particularly be helpful when you are not comfortable expressing your feelings to others.
Stay Hydrated
We sometimes forget to hydrate ourselves on a regular day, thus, when we are grieving, we need to ensure that we hydrate ourselves throughout the day Furthermore, experts suggest that individuals who grieve tend to get dehydrated easily and due to the circumstances, they might not prioritise drinking water in frequent intervals.
Get Rest
In addition to experiencing strong emotions, the grieving process can leave you feeling exhausted. You might also experience disrupted sleeping patterns after a significant loss. Thus, to recuperate, work towards getting at least 7 hours of sleep a day and maintaining a steady sleep schedule.
Make Plans
Making plans and continuing your daily routine can help you stay active as well as busy. Keeping busy not only gives you something to look forward to but also provides you with a reprieve from your grief. Whether it is taking time to connect with your friends or returning to your daily routine, ensure that you continue to incorporate things you enjoy. While you may feel guilty for keeping busy or enjoying yourself, going back to your schedule and being happy are signs that you are coping with the grief in a healthy manner.
Grief plays a significant part in our lives, and it can be felt at a physical, mental and emotional level. While the feelings and emotions we experience may seem unfamiliar, it is important to remember that it is a natural response that helps us process a significant loss. Yet, despite the universal nature of grief as an experience, there is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to coping with it. Ultimately, healing can take time, so explore various approaches, not just as an outlet for your grief but to see what works best for you and to enable yourself to heal at your own pace.
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